Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to blog. No, not that I cannot muster up the energy to literally type, but there are times I just don't want to think. Or, more likely, that the things I would blog about are themselves tiring or emotional, and the act of writing about them is tiring and emotional, which is where the energy comes in. But, stiff upper lip and all that, right?
It's been a busy time around here, but also a weird, good, bad, who knows kinda time. Busy because we've been researching some career options and other things like working on the house (finally painted the kitchen wall where the fridge used to be - and the previous homeowners didn't paint behind the fridge..sheesh, cheapos!). Busy finding info we need on the internet and sending off a few forms. Busy cause payday always brings bill-paying and such. Busy with some scrapbooking, trying to get through a circle journal group with all 14 layouts done at one time (UGH). Busy with two 3 1/2 year olds who don't mind and don't listen and are little hellions every day.
Here's the thing. My children are bad. I mean, yeah, they are wonderful, cute, fun, surprising gifts from God, but they are also awful. They are the same age, at the same age of development. They do not have an older sibbling to influence them on better behavior. They gang up on us. We do not have a house that offers a lot of options either. We started using a corner in the hallway for time-out. Sit here, alone, with nothing to play with sort of thing. But putting them both in time-out is really really impossible. Basically, that's because I can't literally hold them both down at the same time as they fight being in time-out, of course. So we moved time-out to their room. One day I took them both up there, made them put all the toys in their toybox, then I shoved the toybox into the guest room. I went back in, told them they were in time-out and were staying in their room, then I put a toddler handle on the inside of their door and left. I so needed that break. I was literally in tears with them, praying to God for guidance.
Unfortunately, when in their room against their will, they will sit against the door and rock back and forth against it - HARD - and have done something to the door or doorknob or both. The husband discovered that this morning. So, for now, I don't have their room for time-out.
It's hard to describe it this way and make it sound as bad as it is when they are "being bad." That particular day, they were spitting. Spitting on the floor, on the dog, on the furniture. Then they were hitting me, throwing blocks and things at me, and so on. They don't listen when I say stop. They don't listen to warnings. I just don't know what to do with them when they get wound up like this. Like now. Since I started typing this entry, I've chased them upstairs twice, given 4 spankings, taken their tv show away, and had to put the dog out where he doesn't want to be so they will leave him alone.
I try for quiet time, since they don't nap. I try for time-out. I try ignoring some things so as not to give them a reaction. I try chasing them and spanking (not hurting, just "spanking"). I try all kinds of tactics. Nothing works. Today, it literally occurred to me to take the shirt off Maddie's back and throw it in the garbage because she loves her kitty shirt so much (I can't even get her to take it off for the laundry). I need to get their attention, and I don't know how.
What I do know is that I am worn very very thin. Either I never should have tried to be a mom, I just don't know how to do it, I"m not mean enough, I"m too mean, I'm too easy, I"m too strict, I don't know. What I do know is that this is so hard. Every single day I fight them. I love them more than life itself, but they are wearing thin on my nerves these days. Someone tell me that it gets better! I hear often from friends, well, he/she gets it from his/her older brother/sister, and such. Well, I don't have that to work with. These two fight so much, egg each other on, it's ridiculous. They really FIGHT, too. They pinch, bite, hit, kick, spit. It's awful, and I don't know how to stop it.
So why haven't I blogged in 2 weeks? Well, it takes forever sometimes when referreeing the above-mentioned stuff. Also, it's hard. It's hard to talk about this stuff and not dredge the tears back up.
Fun things - had a great dinner with friends the other night. The downside (well, other than that the dinner made me really really sick) is that the dinner was a going-away dinner for Tina. I hate that Tina is moving. HATE IT!!!! You don't make a really good connection often, and I feel like I have that with Tina. We became pretty good friends pretty fast, and I think that is because we have a lot in common. Sometimes you think you are friends with people, then they turn out to be totally not who they purport to be or even who THEY think they are.....don't you wish sometimes those people could see how full of shit they are? Anyway, back to Tina. Love Tina. My girls love Tina. My dh even loves Tina. And now Tina is leaving. Contact will remain, but it won't be the same. No last-minute calls to get together. No play dates. No MNO. I guess we'll just have to see what's what as time goes. Bye, Tina.
Serious things - been doing lots of talking with the husband about our future. Since the job has turned out to be something that sucks for lots of reasons, definitely not what we planned for when moving here all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in August 2004, we're considering other options. The husband has near-complete academic credentials for teaching, and the notion of falling back on that is looking really good to us. Considering possible relocation to Illinois where the family lives. I'd love for the girls to have more time with their Opa and Oma, as well as their cousins and aunts and uncles and everybody. Wouldn't hurt us either. Sis in law's visit really meant so much to the girls and to us. Would love to be able to do that more. The Champaign area is pretty nice, a good size, and probably good-living and home prices for us, too. We requested transcripts and have other calls being made and forms printed out. I've talked to the State Department of Education in Illinois, but have also printed out the Iowa info. Good thing I worked for the Dept of Ed for 10 years back home! I know my way around this stuff. The husband is only lacking student teaching, and early word is that it might be possible for him to get that WHILE teaching with a regular certificate. We'll see! As we've talked about this and all, I see that he definitely has a spark for teaching; he loves kids of all ages; he's just enough of a goof to be a good teacher, too. You need to not take yourself too seriously in order to relate well to the kids, I've found. Of course, figuring out how to live with that kinda pay cut? YIPES, not sure. Parttime work in our future, for a while anyway!
What else? Well, hell. That's enough for now. OH, Tori! I haven't done much emailing either, but love ya, girlie, and miss you!!!!!!